


Feels like something's special (but it never felt like love)

by moonlightstucky



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alpine The Cat (mentioned) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Fuckbuddies, Idiots in Love, Insecure Steve Rogers, Love Confession, M/M, Pining, Self-Doubt, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, There’s a sex scene at the beginning, Top Steve Rogers, nothing too graphic I think?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:16:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27621944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlightstucky/pseuds/moonlightstucky
Summary: Bucky’s metal arm grips the sheets so tight that Steve wouldn’t be surprised to find them torn in the morning. It’s not the first time and won’t be the last, or at least that’s what he hopes since Bucky told him that he foundsomeoneright before they tumbled in bed. The look in Bucky’s eyes has haunted Steve since then. He seemed so in love and what a punch in the face it was.OrSteve Rogers is insecure and jumps into conclusion about Bucky’s new love.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 85
Collections: Stucky Bingo 2020





	Feels like something's special (but it never felt like love)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, my dears!  
> This is my fill for the Stucky Bingo 2020, for the square ‘Self-doubt’. The title is from Another place by Bastille.  
> A friendly reminder that English is not my first language; don’t be afraid to point out typos or mistakes, I will forever be grateful.  
> Hope you are doing well and that something good happened to you lately; we all need a little positivity nowadays. If you need someone to talk to, you can find me on Tumblr (@starsarebotwantednow).  
> Enjoy this little nonsense!

Bucky’s metal arm grips the sheets so tight that Steve wouldn’t be surprised to find them torn in the morning.

It’s not the first time and won’t be the last, or at least that’s what he hopes since Bucky told him that he found _someone_ right before they tumbled in bed.  
The look in Bucky’s eyes has haunted Steve since then. He seemed so in love and what a punch in the face it was. 

Three orgasms later, almost four, and Steve is trying real hard not to think about the end of wherever they have.

It’s not a relationship, but they’re not just fuckbuddies.  
«It’s complicated.», Steve repeats every time Sam tries to encourage him to speak about his feelings.  
And it really is. 

The truth is that Steve and Bucky became best friends in 3rd grade.  
Steve had lost two years because of all of his illnesses and had to study at home until the other kids were not a danger to his health anymore.  
Bucky’s parents decided to return from Indiana and let their children live in Brooklyn, the place they were raised in.

Since Steve was always labeled as the weird kid who couldn’t play outside because of illness he didn’t even know how to pronounce, he became friend with the only kid who could get out, but didn’t want to because preferred reading a book about flying cars and robots.

They’ve been attached to the hip since then and fifteen years later here they are.

Bucky is writhing on the bed and is moaning Steve’s name as if it’s the only word that he knows and Steve’s thrusting inside Bucky at a delirious pace just to build up the last orgasm of the night.

“Steve... move, goddammit!”, Bucky swears and the blonde can see how hard he’s trying to restrain himself, as Steve told him to when they started. 

Steve just hums and keeps up with his rhythm, ignoring Bucky’s next pleas, just for the pleasure of being in control.  
He carefully avoids hitting Bucky’s prostate because he knows how sensitive the other man is after having been fingered, rimmed, and sucked. 

Steve wants to impress this moment in his memory and never let it go, even if it’ll be painful thinking about their last time together. 

He keeps fucking Bucky slow and nice like he’s always wanted to, since their first time.

They were just teens too angry with a world that hadn’t been too kind to them.

Steve’s mom, Sarah, had died two weeks prior and Bucky was still recovering from an accident that took his left arm and his parents away.  
Falling in bed was the most logical thing for them since talking about feelings was off-limits.

Their first time was awkward and wonderful at the same time, “it was like a balm for my aching soul” Steve, the sap, would say without explaining anything.

They were not entirely inexperienced about the whole ‘penis goes in asshole’ matter. Most of their friends had already had sex with someone and for sure they didn’t spare the details. 

Moreover, Sarah Rogers had had The Talk with his son and his best friend to make sure that they understood the importance of using lube and condoms before they even found out what the thing between their legs was useful for and what sexuality was. 

Bucky brings Steve back to the present by pulling his hair with his metal hand. It’s a little bit painful, but it seems like the brunette doesn’t really understand what he’s doing.

“If you don’t fuck me like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do, I’ll go find someone else”, he growls and Steve can’t suppress a shiver at his tone. He’s only human and hopelessly in love with him, there’s not a lot he can do.

At the same time, he feels pure rage. Isn’t Bucky going to do that anyway? Isn’t he going to leave Steve for whoever became so important to him that Bucky mentioned them after having just met?

Steve slips out of Bucky’s body and sits on the edge of the mattress, turning his back on his friend. Even if he doesn’t see him, he knows that Bucky’s frowning and doesn’t understand what just happened. 

“Haven’t you already found someone?”, Steve decides to speak and cards his fingers through his hair, hoping that his trembling goes unnoticed.

“What do you mean?”

Steve hears Bucky approaching and stays still until the brunette is by his side, trying to take a look at his face. He bites the inside of his cheeks so hard he tastes copper.

“When you came here, you said you‘ve met someone. I don’t understand why you are still here; I’m obviously not this person."

‘That’s it’, Steve thinks, ‘this the part where I get hurt’. 

He waits for some endless seconds for something to happen, anything. At least he hopes that Bucky will have mercy on him now and smile thinking about him in the future. 

“You are the dumbest person I’ve ever known, Steve”, Bucky finally speaks and Steve grimaces. 

That’s not what he’d imagined. To be truthful, he doesn’t know what he’d expected.  
He’s always been a ‘dramatic martyr’, as Bucky kindly defined him after he found out what ‘martyr’ meant. 

Bucky stands up and starts muttering to himself while he paces the room. He seems like a caged lion, ready to jump at Steve’s throat if he opens his mouth. 

“You’ve always been so insecure, even when you engaged in so many fights that Sarah wasn’t asking anymore what happened and patched up your wounds in silence. Then you became this triumph of muscles to match what you were feeling inside. Everybody was finally looking at you and you weren’t even aware of it!  
Do you know what didn’t change at all after all these years? Me!”

Steve is shocked into silence and looks at the troubled eyes of his best-friend-slash-fuckbuddy-slash-lover-but-not-really.  
His words cause little stabs of pain not only because he mentioned Sarah, but also because it’s the truth. 

Steve’s always had problems with his size. When he was young he was so, _so_ delicate that a breeze could’ve blown him away. His classmates made fun of him because he looked like a dainty girl or a runt if they were particularly creative.

Bucky seems on the verge of crying and Steve aches to touch him and do his best to make him feel good again. But he knows his friend well enough that this is not what he wants or needs right now. For this reason, he gives a little nod and Bucky keeps ongoing. 

“I’ve always, _always_ , tried to make you feel like you were worth of everything, regardless of your size. I thought that if I loved you for the both of us, you would’ve understood that you deserved the world. And what do you do now? You are ready to let me go because I found “someone”. You wanna know who this someone is, Steve? Uh? Is a cat, a fucking cat that I named Alpine! I was so ready to let you enter her life, but I’m not really sure if _I_ should be in yours anymore.”

He finds his pants on the floor and puts them on with stiff movements like he is trying to contain his rage or his tears. It wouldn’t be surprising if he did both.

And Steve... well, Steve’s brain stopped working at the “I loved you for the both of us”. Does that mean that Bucky loves him? Does that mean that they’ve wasted so much time because they‘ve been both blind to each other’s love?

Not to mention the fact that he’s been jealous of a cat for the last two hours. He feels so fucking mortified. 

Bucky collects all of his things and doesn’t spare Steve a second glance before reaching for the handle of the door.

In this exact moment Steve sprints into action: naked as the day he was born, he kneels behind Bucky and tugs his metal hand. It’s warm and he loves it as much as he loves everything that has something to do with Bucky Barnes.

“Bucky, please, let me explain and I promise that I will let you go if you want to.”

Bucky’s sigh is heartbreaking and he simply nods, before turning around and letting his head hung like a condemned. 

“I swear on my Ma’s grave that I have loved you since I was a little kid who couldn’t stop fighting against injustice. You were always by my side, even for the dumbest shit I put myself through, and all I could think was ‘how did I get so lucky?’. Then your accident happened–”

Steve has to take a steadying breath because remembering how bad Bucky had been injured never fails to make him feel nauseous and furious.

“I thought you didn’t need to waste time with my pathetic feelings and I shut myself down, trying to be the friend you needed. A shitty friend, I reckon, but that’s not the point. As you said, I’ve always been insecure about myself. I’ve spent eighteen years with the body of an eleven years old boy and then this miraculous cure’s been discovered and I can become someone else, at least on the outside. And it seems like you finally, _finally_ , notice me.”

Bucky opens his mouth to speak, but Steve shushes him with a pleading look. He’s not done yet and if he stops now, he will bottle up all his feelings and never mention them again. 

“We tumbled in bed and I thought ‘wow, that’s how it feels to be loved’, and then you said to me that you weren’t looking for anything else but mindless sex. It was alright, I wasn’t in the right mindset for a relationship after my Ma’s death. But I never stopped loving you, neither when Peggy came and went. She was just a distraction, because you were with that asshole of Rumlow.”

He feels Bucky’s pulse quicken under his fingers and maybe there’s a chance for them, maybe he didn’t screw everything up.

“I’m sorry, Buck, I really am. I hope you can forgive me someday for doubting you and not making you feel like you were my moon and my stars.”

Steve lets go of Bucky’s hands and sighs, incapable of meeting the brunet’s tormented blue eyes. He doesn’t even cover himself, what for? Being naked is the last of his problems at the moment. He fucked up real bad, there’s not a lot he can do or say. At least he hopes that Bucky believes him. 

The silence seems to stretch out for an eternity before Bucky speaks again. 

“We are fucking idiots. Was it so difficult to say that we loved each other before getting to this point?”

He grumbles before taking Steve’s face in his palms and caressing his jawline. His metal hand is slightly cold, his right hand is warm. 

“At least we had sex?”, Steve tries to look on the bright side and receives a slap on his head and a belly laugh from Bucky.

And even if that’s not the perfect way to tell your best friend you’ve been in love with him for something like a decade, it’s enough for Steve.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Title:** Feels like something's special (but it never felt like love)  
>  **Creator:** moonlightstucky  
>  **Card number:** 067  
>  **Link:** https://archiveofourown.org/works/27621944  
>  **Square filled:** D1, Self-doubt  
>  **Rating:** Explicit  
>  **Archive warnings:** No Archive Warnings Apply  
>  **Major tags:** Alternative universe - Modern setting, Fuckbuddies, Insecure Steve Rogers.  
>  **Summary:** Bucky’s metal arm grips the sheets so tight that Steve wouldn’t be surprised to find them torn in the morning. It’s not the first time and won’t be the last, or at least that’s what he hopes since Bucky told him that he found _someone_ right before they tumbled in bed. The look in Bucky’s eyes has haunted Steve since then. He seemed so in love and what a punch in the face it was. 
> 
> Or
> 
> Steve Rogers is insecure and jumps into conclusion about Bucky’s new love.  
>  **Word count:** 1887


End file.
